Experience And Lessons From Couple Therapy

Today, most of us are used to using third-party resources to support the most important things for us. We go to the gym to exercise. We use financial advisors to manage funds, real estate agents to find houses, and travel agencies to plan holidays. We outsourced the calendar, friendship and meal plan to the smartphone application. But when it comes to the health of our relationship, many of us hesitate to seek treatment as a preventive tool for future problems.

When couples return to each other rather than alienate each other, they are more likely to be together and their relationship is more likely to succeed.

Why? First, in a world where “crazy busyness” is the priority, it requires our limited time and different obligations. Second, it is not cheap; spending three figures on therapy can be more challenging than talking to friends or family for free. Finally, we tend to believe that counseling is only for those with serious problems, or for those whose lives will change significantly. I think that our collective rejection of treatment is usually the result of a deeper, longer lasting sense of shame. We don’t want to wave white flags. It’s already late. Especially in love.

But true and lasting love and partnership require work, and sometimes the objective help of people who are completely absent from friends and family. My husband and I attended a psychological counseling conference, which turned out to be one of the most valuable investments I have ever made. Here are some valuable lessons I learned.

It all comes down to respect.

In the first few years of our relationship, my husband and I argued about religion. He is a firm atheist, relying on technology and science. My faith has given me personal strength and a beacon of community.(Note: For us, this difference does not determine success or failure.) All religious dialogues will make both sides cry, hurt, and create a melancholy misunderstanding.

Couple counseling provides an opportunity to share our emotions before an objective and fair gathering. The function of the gathering is to promote listening, dialogue and questioning, so that we can get on the normal track. I admit that some of my people secretly want to share my “side”. In this way, the therapist will “pick” my case and “repair” my partner.(You can imagine that I must give up that idea. The fact proves that the treatment is not for victory.) We also spent a lot of time using the words “I heard what you said…” and “I want to…”. It was awkward and far fetched at first. Yes, but the effect is very good.

Some of our questions also involve the narrative we create for ourselves and each other, which is full of expectations and assumptions. For example, I didn’t see any harm in his occasional attendance at my church services, but he felt that he was acting falsely in the face of traditions he didn’t believe in. I think I’m right. So does he; i feel lonely, and so does he. I hope my faith will be recognized. Even if he does not agree, he also hopes that his beliefs will be recognized in exactly the same way. Obviously, when we talk, what we want most is to listen and respect. Through consultation, we can actually have a productive dialogue on religion and finally reach a long-term resolution that is beneficial to both of us.

Small things hide bigger problems.

A friend of mine once complained that she and her husband always quarreled over “the same past”. She smiled at her mother and replied, “Honey, when we first got married 30 years ago, your father and I had been arguing about the same thing.”

Good example: My partner and I have been arguing about how to install the dishwasher and which way to go home faster. 25 years later, we may still argue about these things. These two issues do not seem to be major issues in themselves, but I found that in the treatment, small disputes usually hide larger issues. For example, my husband really likes to find the most effective way to behave, but I don’t mind; when he makes a suggestion, I usually regard it as a criticism rather than a useful suggestion.

Part of a relationship involves provoking you to fight again and again. During the whole relationship, most couples will repeatedly face familiar challenges. Treatment can find bigger problems in small quarrels and help solve serious problems rather than small troubles. In addition, before the couple starts to erode the basis of the partnership of “old relationship”, it can also provide a new perspective of long-term recombination.

Good communication requires practice.

I like to think that I am good at communication. So when the therapist points out the two behaviors I want to change, imagine my shock, um, interruption, and time.

I tend to think about what I’m going to say next. You know, I’m not listening to the people I love. I heard him keep talking. I don’t want to forget the beautiful and thoughtful answers that I elaborately made in my mind. So I quickly hung him up. Just one second. I don’t mean anything negative. But our counselor put forward her opinion frankly: “When you interrupt others, it means that you think you should speak more important than others’ words.”

I also realized that I usually have a serious conversation with my husband before going to bed at night. It seems to me that this is the perfect time. We are already lying in bed and concentrating on relaxing. Why not immediately discuss children, money, sex or housework? But he had a contrary view, that is, he did not want to have in-depth conversation before drifting to sleep. Naturally, whenever he doesn’t want to have a heated discussion about life with me, I have a quarrel.

Yes, right?

These examples may look elegant in themselves, but they are bad habits that will erode interpersonal relationships over time. hot wire? Habits can be changed. Bad news? although we all want to believe that our communication skills are amazing, most of us need some help. The negotiation forces me to pay attention to the time when these actions are taken, so that I can pause and choose a new path.

It takes a lot of practice, but now, when I talk about financial problems with my loved ones at midnight, I can smile and say, “Oh, my God, it’s too late. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” When I thought it was necessary to interrupt my husband during his sentence, I learned patience until it was my turn to speak.

Connection is a daily commitment.

John Gottman, a psychology professor and marriage stability expert, put forward the concept of “attracting attention”. Its working principle is as follows: A bid is an attempt by one partner to establish a positive relationship with another partner. The offer is usually simple. For example, smile or ask questions. Gottman found that when couples do not alienate each other and turn to each other, they are more together and their relationship is more successful.

although it sounds easy, Gottman insists, “No.” He wrote on his website: “Missing a bid means rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid may be more devastating than opposing or rejecting it. Missing a bid will reduce the number of bids or, worse, cause concern elsewhere.” For Gottman, this is the place where couples start making mistakes and alienating each other. Because I miss the pursuit every day. Participation and commitment.

What does this have to do with marital therapy? Well, in most cases, counseling is not two, but one spouse’s proposal. This is the bid price and requires more close attention to what happens in your relationship. In addition, this means that the act of going to treatment is a price tag. Talking about treatment is an offer. What you learn from the implementation of treatment is a quotation, etc. Even if you only go there once like my husband, my consultation can also be a turning point in your relationship with your partner.

In general, couples will strive to build relationships that are important to all relationships. It emphasizes the value of truth and unity, while encouraging individual exploration and growth. It promotes change, good or bad, especially when we find it intolerable or intolerable to the inconvenience of the new road. Most importantly, support the emotional and mental health of all people in the relationship, thereby enhancing the strength of the entire partnership.

Have you ever been to couples therapy? Can you think of going?